Sh!t Happens

  Shit happens. I found that out this morning...on the hood of my black Toyota Corolla, which surprisingly didn't move on it's own to get out of the way [...].

I walked to my car to the sight of this large white mound of atrociousness masking the hood. This wasn't your typical bird droppings, folks. This was a bird diagnosed with bird flu and then vomiting diarrhea out of its ass and laughing about it.

Here's what I thought:

  This can either be the work of some fatass bird that was rewarding itself by taking the biggest shit of its life on a black car [because lets face it, it knew what it was doing]

OR

  A bunch of small birds circle jerking [and/or dumping] on the telephone wire that hangs precariously above 4th st., or more appropriately, my car.

  Either way, they could have at least took the courtesy of leaving a note on my windshield; "Sorry about the mess, my nest-mate was MC Hammer'd last night from eating whatever PBR residue from the human vomit outside the Pike". That would have been ideal.

  So thank you bird[s] for showering my car with your fecal matter and for leaving my black Corolla like the good side of the Oreo cookie you twist off with your bff, except the size of a sewer cap.

[Sarcasm Included]

Note to self: It would be awesome if birds shat diamonds. Then I probably wouldn't be so upset.

See you next time, folks.

Wait, No. That's Not What I Meant...

And now, another "Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant..." moment.

On a camping trip with the Johnson family.

"Last time we camped here we stumbled across a bunch of hungry, malnourished 'coons begging for food. They're like robbers, you know, with their black...ribbons......masking their..........eyes...

wait, no. That's not what I meant..."

This has been another installment of "Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant..."

Chatting with Heroes #2: Thor

OhMyGodofThunda: Hello, ol’ friend!

Joleisheckadumb: Thor!!! What’s up.

OhMyGodofThunda: How art thou on this cold crisp evening? Comfy, I hope.

Joleisheckadumb: Please don’t start with the whole Greek jargon.

Joleisheckadumb: No need to pull that charade with me, Donny B.

OhMyGodofThunda: Good, because frankly, I’ve grown quite tired of speaking that way.

OhMyGodofThunda: It has become expected of me.

OhMyGodofThunda: Sometimes it’s just out of habit.

Joleisheckadumb: You’re a Doctor right? I mean, when you’re not turning villains into burn victims via thunder bolts

Joleisheckadumb: and wielding that 10 ton cement block you call a hammer…

OhMyGodofThunda: lol. Yeah, why?

Joleisheckadumb: I need help with this rash I have. It’s been irritating my taint like crazy.

Joleisheckadumb: Probably from trying on Spidey’s suit at the Avengers reunion party.

OhMyGodofThunda: Gross. Are you serious?

Joleisheckadumb: No. jk lol

OhMyGodofThunda: I’m sure you aren’t joking…slut. You probably slept with Black Widow, that rancid wench.

Joleisheckadumb:  Hey what time is it?

Joleisheckadumb: HAMMER TIME! Hahahaha!

OhMyGodofThunda: har har har. Feeble.

OhMyGodofThunda: Can’t TOUCH this.

Joleisheckadumb: Nice.

OhMyGodofThunda: But really, it’s almost 10PM here. I need to go mee mee’s soon.

Joleisheckadumb: Mee mee’s????

OhMyGodofThunda: it means sleeeeeeeeeep.

Joleisheckadumb: it means gay.

Joleisheckadumb: Tim "the tool man" Taylor’s hammer pwns Mjolner!

Joleisheckadumb: jk. Please don’t pound me to the ground with it…

OhMyGodofThunda: Hahaha. Easy young friend, I do not harm civilians.

Joleisheckadumb: So what are you up to?

OhMyGodofThunda: Just relaxing on Asgard.  Here for the weekend.

OhMyGodofThunda: lAhhhkjds YOU’RE A DICK! Alskdjaiweoi2

Joleisheckadumb: wtf?

OhMyGodofThunda: My blunder. That was my brother Loki.

OhMyGodofThunda: Mischievous little bastard.

OhMyGodofThunda: He irritates the crap out of me.

OhMyGodofThunda: I despise the fact that we have to share a room during my visit.

Joleisheckadumb: Why??? Isn’t Asgard huge?

Joleisheckadumb: Do you guys spoon? Or should I say, do you guys Trident? Or do you need 3 people for that?

OhMyGodofThunda: HAHAHA! FTW.

OhMyGodofThunda: Yeah, but Asgard has become a tourist site now that we’re just feet above Oklahoma. Plus my Dad is using another room as a study.

Joleisheckadumb: To study what?

OhMyGodofThunda: Ironically, Norse Mythology.

Joleisheckadumb: HAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious. 

OhMyGodofThunda: g2g. Gonna snack on something before bed.

OhMyGodofThunda: Probably a Cliff bar.

Joleisheckadumb: Hell yeah, get your fiber on.

OhMyGodofThunda: Farewell, my friend.

OhMyGodofThunda: I mean, peace out, son.

Joleisheckadumb: good knight.

OhMyGodofThunda has signed off

Happy Hunting.

They freak out every year I show up to the hunt with a crossbow. It's not my fault these kids don't take this egg-hunting business seriously. I play for keeps; so stay out of my way.

At least there were minimal casualties this year and a whole lot of plastic filled eggs [enough with the hard-boiled ones already]. One plastic egg was actually filled with cocaine, but I won't say which Uncle is easily mistaken as a successful Columbian drug lord; that's another hunt in itself with the FDA...or the Health Inspector.

Win of the day: finding that one, precious, gold egg that I then fertilized with my man love. To my cousin's girlfriend, you're welcome.

Happy Easterz.

April Fools

Nine months ago, I strategically impregnated a foolish-dimwitted young divorcée and pinpointed the exact birth to fall on this day. Not only did she get 15 minutes of shame on the moronic television show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, and experience the best April Fool's joke of her life, but she'll also be living the dream as a MILIAAAAA [Mother I'd Like to Impregnate Again And Again And Again], and will be my personal running gag.

I on the other hand will be basking as the victor of the best prank I've pulled since putting Uncle Jesse's car on the high school roof.

APRIL FOOLS EVERYONE...It was DJ and Kimmy that put Uncle Jesse's car on the school rooftop, not me sillies, I was never on Full House.

P.S. - April Fools...yes I was.

P.P.S. - April Fools again...the baby is black. Just got the text message from another guy in my Nymphos-Anonymous class.

Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant...

A new segment I like to call, "Wait, NO! That's not what I meant..."

"There's something about a child's laughter that brings me to my knees...

wait, no! That's not what I meant..."

end.

Top 10 Ways to Defeat [or stay alive whilst dealing with] an Opponent Armed With a Dagger

Daggers are small. This we know. What we may not know is that they are small, sharp and pointy. Small enough to stow away in you average gym sock [average meaning they are white, long and tube-like, and often accompanied with the stripes around the calf...but that's not important right now--moving forward] and sharp enough for Pan to slay Hook with a single, swift, thrust to his clock ticking heart.

So, me being a retired street fighter [yes, like the video game] I want to equip you with some tips on how to conquer villainous minorities [because white people are nice and they are our future].

1. DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS. Remember how many times they have failed you, so FIGHT BACK with an imaginary knife. This can lead to the opponent believing you're in desperate need of psychiatric help and will trigger their concernment; often leading to them disarming themselves.

2. RUN, but not into his dagger. [And I assumed the person with the dagger is a male, because they are animals. Girls don't use weapons. Except their nagging, complaining, pots and pans, and other sexist objects...a vacuum]

3. DON'T CALL THE POLICE. they can often mistake you as the suspect and shoot you, which will wound you and leave you prone to dagger attacks. Then you die, and I can't have that kind of guilt on my conscience.

4. DODGE. If he comes thrusting forward, don't just stand there, silly, keep those hips on a swivel.

5. CALL HIM BAD NAMES. Bring up his painful and traumatic childhood of his abusive father and floozy for a mother. This will make the grown man cry and bring him to his knees. He is now vulnerable for rape...dagger rape. [See: #6]

6. [MUST take place AFTER step 5] DO NOT CONSOLE him. He is broken down by the aftermath of a difficult upbringing, steal his dagger and GO FOR THE KILL.

7. DANIEL LaRUSSO injured-ankle crane kick; works every time.

8. PRETEND. Look over his shoulder and slowly [wide-eyed] gaze as if there were, standing ferociously tall behind him, a giant beast waiting to devour all living things that taste like human. He would then turn around [duped by such great role playing] deemed as a sucker; at that point run and text your friend about how clever you are.

9. DO NONE OF THESE THINGS and stick to what they taught you in Kenpo Karate.

10. VOMIT. Just vomit and see where that goes...people don't like vomit.

You're VERY Welcome.