Sh!t Happens

  Shit happens. I found that out this morning...on the hood of my black Toyota Corolla, which surprisingly didn't move on it's own to get out of the way [...].

I walked to my car to the sight of this large white mound of atrociousness masking the hood. This wasn't your typical bird droppings, folks. This was a bird diagnosed with bird flu and then vomiting diarrhea out of its ass and laughing about it.

Here's what I thought:

  This can either be the work of some fatass bird that was rewarding itself by taking the biggest shit of its life on a black car [because lets face it, it knew what it was doing]

OR

  A bunch of small birds circle jerking [and/or dumping] on the telephone wire that hangs precariously above 4th st., or more appropriately, my car.

  Either way, they could have at least took the courtesy of leaving a note on my windshield; "Sorry about the mess, my nest-mate was MC Hammer'd last night from eating whatever PBR residue from the human vomit outside the Pike". That would have been ideal.

  So thank you bird[s] for showering my car with your fecal matter and for leaving my black Corolla like the good side of the Oreo cookie you twist off with your bff, except the size of a sewer cap.

[Sarcasm Included]

Note to self: It would be awesome if birds shat diamonds. Then I probably wouldn't be so upset.

See you next time, folks.

Wait, No. That's Not What I Meant...

And now, another "Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant..." moment.

On a camping trip with the Johnson family.

"Last time we camped here we stumbled across a bunch of hungry, malnourished 'coons begging for food. They're like robbers, you know, with their black...ribbons......masking their..........eyes...

wait, no. That's not what I meant..."

This has been another installment of "Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant..."

Chatting with Heroes #2: Thor

OhMyGodofThunda: Hello, ol’ friend!

Joleisheckadumb: Thor!!! What’s up.

OhMyGodofThunda: How art thou on this cold crisp evening? Comfy, I hope.

Joleisheckadumb: Please don’t start with the whole Greek jargon.

Joleisheckadumb: No need to pull that charade with me, Donny B.

OhMyGodofThunda: Good, because frankly, I’ve grown quite tired of speaking that way.

OhMyGodofThunda: It has become expected of me.

OhMyGodofThunda: Sometimes it’s just out of habit.

Joleisheckadumb: You’re a Doctor right? I mean, when you’re not turning villains into burn victims via thunder bolts

Joleisheckadumb: and wielding that 10 ton cement block you call a hammer…

OhMyGodofThunda: lol. Yeah, why?

Joleisheckadumb: I need help with this rash I have. It’s been irritating my taint like crazy.

Joleisheckadumb: Probably from trying on Spidey’s suit at the Avengers reunion party.

OhMyGodofThunda: Gross. Are you serious?

Joleisheckadumb: No. jk lol

OhMyGodofThunda: I’m sure you aren’t joking…slut. You probably slept with Black Widow, that rancid wench.

Joleisheckadumb:  Hey what time is it?

Joleisheckadumb: HAMMER TIME! Hahahaha!

OhMyGodofThunda: har har har. Feeble.

OhMyGodofThunda: Can’t TOUCH this.

Joleisheckadumb: Nice.

OhMyGodofThunda: But really, it’s almost 10PM here. I need to go mee mee’s soon.

Joleisheckadumb: Mee mee’s????

OhMyGodofThunda: it means sleeeeeeeeeep.

Joleisheckadumb: it means gay.

Joleisheckadumb: Tim "the tool man" Taylor’s hammer pwns Mjolner!

Joleisheckadumb: jk. Please don’t pound me to the ground with it…

OhMyGodofThunda: Hahaha. Easy young friend, I do not harm civilians.

Joleisheckadumb: So what are you up to?

OhMyGodofThunda: Just relaxing on Asgard.  Here for the weekend.

OhMyGodofThunda: lAhhhkjds YOU’RE A DICK! Alskdjaiweoi2

Joleisheckadumb: wtf?

OhMyGodofThunda: My blunder. That was my brother Loki.

OhMyGodofThunda: Mischievous little bastard.

OhMyGodofThunda: He irritates the crap out of me.

OhMyGodofThunda: I despise the fact that we have to share a room during my visit.

Joleisheckadumb: Why??? Isn’t Asgard huge?

Joleisheckadumb: Do you guys spoon? Or should I say, do you guys Trident? Or do you need 3 people for that?

OhMyGodofThunda: HAHAHA! FTW.

OhMyGodofThunda: Yeah, but Asgard has become a tourist site now that we’re just feet above Oklahoma. Plus my Dad is using another room as a study.

Joleisheckadumb: To study what?

OhMyGodofThunda: Ironically, Norse Mythology.

Joleisheckadumb: HAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious. 

OhMyGodofThunda: g2g. Gonna snack on something before bed.

OhMyGodofThunda: Probably a Cliff bar.

Joleisheckadumb: Hell yeah, get your fiber on.

OhMyGodofThunda: Farewell, my friend.

OhMyGodofThunda: I mean, peace out, son.

Joleisheckadumb: good knight.

OhMyGodofThunda has signed off

Happy Hunting.

They freak out every year I show up to the hunt with a crossbow. It's not my fault these kids don't take this egg-hunting business seriously. I play for keeps; so stay out of my way.

At least there were minimal casualties this year and a whole lot of plastic filled eggs [enough with the hard-boiled ones already]. One plastic egg was actually filled with cocaine, but I won't say which Uncle is easily mistaken as a successful Columbian drug lord; that's another hunt in itself with the FDA...or the Health Inspector.

Win of the day: finding that one, precious, gold egg that I then fertilized with my man love. To my cousin's girlfriend, you're welcome.

Happy Easterz.

April Fools

Nine months ago, I strategically impregnated a foolish-dimwitted young divorcée and pinpointed the exact birth to fall on this day. Not only did she get 15 minutes of shame on the moronic television show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, and experience the best April Fool's joke of her life, but she'll also be living the dream as a MILIAAAAA [Mother I'd Like to Impregnate Again And Again And Again], and will be my personal running gag.

I on the other hand will be basking as the victor of the best prank I've pulled since putting Uncle Jesse's car on the high school roof.

APRIL FOOLS EVERYONE...It was DJ and Kimmy that put Uncle Jesse's car on the school rooftop, not me sillies, I was never on Full House.

P.S. - April Fools...yes I was.

P.P.S. - April Fools again...the baby is black. Just got the text message from another guy in my Nymphos-Anonymous class.

Wait, No! That's Not What I Meant...

A new segment I like to call, "Wait, NO! That's not what I meant..."

"There's something about a child's laughter that brings me to my knees...

wait, no! That's not what I meant..."

end.

Top 10 Ways to Defeat [or stay alive whilst dealing with] an Opponent Armed With a Dagger

Daggers are small. This we know. What we may not know is that they are small, sharp and pointy. Small enough to stow away in you average gym sock [average meaning they are white, long and tube-like, and often accompanied with the stripes around the calf...but that's not important right now--moving forward] and sharp enough for Pan to slay Hook with a single, swift, thrust to his clock ticking heart.

So, me being a retired street fighter [yes, like the video game] I want to equip you with some tips on how to conquer villainous minorities [because white people are nice and they are our future].

1. DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS. Remember how many times they have failed you, so FIGHT BACK with an imaginary knife. This can lead to the opponent believing you're in desperate need of psychiatric help and will trigger their concernment; often leading to them disarming themselves.

2. RUN, but not into his dagger. [And I assumed the person with the dagger is a male, because they are animals. Girls don't use weapons. Except their nagging, complaining, pots and pans, and other sexist objects...a vacuum]

3. DON'T CALL THE POLICE. they can often mistake you as the suspect and shoot you, which will wound you and leave you prone to dagger attacks. Then you die, and I can't have that kind of guilt on my conscience.

4. DODGE. If he comes thrusting forward, don't just stand there, silly, keep those hips on a swivel.

5. CALL HIM BAD NAMES. Bring up his painful and traumatic childhood of his abusive father and floozy for a mother. This will make the grown man cry and bring him to his knees. He is now vulnerable for rape...dagger rape. [See: #6]

6. [MUST take place AFTER step 5] DO NOT CONSOLE him. He is broken down by the aftermath of a difficult upbringing, steal his dagger and GO FOR THE KILL.

7. DANIEL LaRUSSO injured-ankle crane kick; works every time.

8. PRETEND. Look over his shoulder and slowly [wide-eyed] gaze as if there were, standing ferociously tall behind him, a giant beast waiting to devour all living things that taste like human. He would then turn around [duped by such great role playing] deemed as a sucker; at that point run and text your friend about how clever you are.

9. DO NONE OF THESE THINGS and stick to what they taught you in Kenpo Karate.

10. VOMIT. Just vomit and see where that goes...people don't like vomit.

You're VERY Welcome.

Chatting With Heroes #1: Robin

ThatBoyW0nder (11:05:03 AM): Sup, foo!

Joleisheckadumb (11:05:04 AM): AUTO-RESPONSE: Countin’ my rocks at the end of the block. Holla at me if you need some nose candies!

Joleisheckadumb (11:05:10 AM): Sup, gay.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:00 AM): Dude, don't let Batz see your away message, he'll pop ya'.

Joleisheckadumb (11:06:02 AM): Chill out, man. It's a joke. Plus I only do drugs on weekends.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:07 AM): HA! What are you doin’ tonight?

Joleisheckadumb (11:06:10 AM): Dude, its not even noon yet and your asking me what I’m doing tonight? Why do you always do that?

Joleisheckadumb (11:06:19 AM): I might be going to a bar. Is Batman there? Tell him to give me a ride.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:28 AM): He’s in the shower. Why don’t you drive, you have a car.

Joleisheckadumb (11:07:00 AM): Because I’m planning to drink, son. Plus I’d look badass rolling in the BM, you crime-fighting d00sh.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:07:38 AM): Well, I’m trying to find something to do.

Joleisheckadumb (11:08:06 AM): Look for longer shorts! HAHAHA! LOL!

ThatBoyW0nder (11:08:42 AM): stfu asshole. I know! But Batz is like “I’m the only one who wears pants in this duo”. Like he doesn’t get enough praise from the city people.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:08:59 AM): And I had some longer ones, but it made me look like a cyclist.

Joleisheckadumb (11:09:06 AM): Well the one’s that you wear now make you look pre-pubescent. So, fix that.

Joleisheckadumb (11:09:11 AM): I’m not trying to be seen hanging out with you wearing those ass-hugging green shorts.

Joleisheckadumb (11:09:18 AM): I wouldn’t even want to be seen being saved by you wearing an outfit like that. People might get the wrong idea. HAHAHA!

ThatBoyW0nder (11:10:00 AM): Batz just got out of the shower. He said he’ll swoop you up around 10pm.

Joleisheckadumb (11:10:14 AM): Sweet. I’m gonna go make breakfast.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:10:22: AM): Cool. Is it cool if I come out tonight?

Joleisheckadumb (11:10:23 AM): As long as you don't dress like you're wrestling for Gay Rights, yeah. I mean, it would be fine if you were gay...

Joleisheckadumb (11:10:25 AM): But you're not, right?

ThatBoyW0nder has signed off

ThatBoyW0nder has signed on

ThatBoyW0nder (11:17:04 AM): I had to reset my computer. And NO I'm not gay.

Joleisheckadumb (11:17:05 AM): AUTO-RESPONSE: Makin' Brefuss because Robin likes men.

ThatBoyW0nder (11:17:08 AM): You're a dick.

Shy Ronnie.

Stumbled across this on Hulu last night. Pretty funny stuff. The video here is cut off, so click on it to be forwarded to the site.

My Secret is Out.

I actually harness the quality of what so many vigilant folk yearn for. This odd and quite possibly visually [don't get ahead of yourself, Sanchez] frightening, if noticeable, quality that is seemingly useful and necessary to raise alertness in such moments as rape, surprise attacks, horror film-type situations, or even, checking out "hot" babes, or staring directly at the person inline behind you at the bank. Yes, folks...

I have eyes on the back of my head.

Except all it sees is hair. So... there's that.

[note to self: starting to understand why my parents deem me useless]

End of Side B

Frosted Mini-Rant

What's your favorite cereal? Cool, moving on.

I like to think of myself as a Cereal Connoisseur [sometimes it's all I think about], not because I engage in midnight rendezvous with such nourishment. Not because I can speed read through literature and wacky puzzles on the back. Or because I might have the Lucky Charms marshmallows [before the red balloons] encompassing my belly button as a temporary tattoo at this very moment. Not even because I've collected all 4 micro-machines once [which, btw, I lost]. It is because I have so many choices when it comes down to it. So many favorites. One of those favorites being Frosted Mini-Wheats. So, if you're reading this and have never tasted Frosted Mini-Wheats, please refrain from going on any further because there are spoiler-alerts. So with that said...

*SPOILER ALERT*

They're NOT completely frosted. I know, you're welcome.

I wish they were. Maybe there is a shortage of frosty goodness. Who knows? I love the cereal, I do. It's a great source of Fiber. I just wish they weren't such liars over there at Kellogg's. If they called them Kellogg's Kinda Frosted Mini-Wheats, I would have thought twice before grabbing 3 family-sized boxes at Costco when I don't even have 3 families, let alone ONE. What am I supposed to do with all this Almost Frosted pseudo-goodness? Dowse it with milk until soggy, and make a Nipa Hut out of it? No, because that's exactly what they want you to do, because they're racist.

...Eh, I suppose it won't hurt.

End of Side A

Nine Months Later

Its been nine months since my last blog. I wonder if anyone has noticed. Probably, since I'm well past my third trimester and showing. Go ahead, gently place your palm against the screen; feel it kicking like its anxious to explore the world we have yet to. I guess this is a reminder that I will give birth to future blogs. Blogs that will flourish and campaign towards my/your/our artistic endeavors and creative realms. Blogs that will nurture and nest you in it's intellectual bosom, in hopes of eternal inspirational refuge; typical blog stuff like knitting a scarf or digital arts and crafts. Observations through the eyes of ambitious midgets or the best way to eat pie from Hoff's Hut or how to stare at a human-pest long enough to kill it. Inspirational stuff like that.

So I welcome me back and look forward to writing words to all the internet itinerants.

Cheers mates.

JS