Sh!t Happens

  Shit happens. I found that out this morning...on the hood of my black Toyota Corolla, which surprisingly didn't move on it's own to get out of the way [...].

I walked to my car to the sight of this large white mound of atrociousness masking the hood. This wasn't your typical bird droppings, folks. This was a bird diagnosed with bird flu and then vomiting diarrhea out of its ass and laughing about it.

Here's what I thought:

  This can either be the work of some fatass bird that was rewarding itself by taking the biggest shit of its life on a black car [because lets face it, it knew what it was doing]

OR

  A bunch of small birds circle jerking [and/or dumping] on the telephone wire that hangs precariously above 4th st., or more appropriately, my car.

  Either way, they could have at least took the courtesy of leaving a note on my windshield; "Sorry about the mess, my nest-mate was MC Hammer'd last night from eating whatever PBR residue from the human vomit outside the Pike". That would have been ideal.

  So thank you bird[s] for showering my car with your fecal matter and for leaving my black Corolla like the good side of the Oreo cookie you twist off with your bff, except the size of a sewer cap.

[Sarcasm Included]

Note to self: It would be awesome if birds shat diamonds. Then I probably wouldn't be so upset.

See you next time, folks.