Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Top 10 Ways to Defeat [or stay alive whilst dealing with] an Opponent Armed With a Dagger

Daggers are small. This we know. What we may not know is that they are small, sharp and pointy. Small enough to stow away in you average gym sock [average meaning they are white, long and tube-like, and often accompanied with the stripes around the calf...but that's not important right now--moving forward] and sharp enough for Pan to slay Hook with a single, swift, thrust to his clock ticking heart.

So, me being a retired street fighter [yes, like the video game] I want to equip you with some tips on how to conquer villainous minorities [because white people are nice and they are our future].

1. DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS. Remember how many times they have failed you, so FIGHT BACK with an imaginary knife. This can lead to the opponent believing you're in desperate need of psychiatric help and will trigger their concernment; often leading to them disarming themselves.

2. RUN, but not into his dagger. [And I assumed the person with the dagger is a male, because they are animals. Girls don't use weapons. Except their nagging, complaining, pots and pans, and other sexist objects...a vacuum]

3. DON'T CALL THE POLICE. they can often mistake you as the suspect and shoot you, which will wound you and leave you prone to dagger attacks. Then you die, and I can't have that kind of guilt on my conscience.

4. DODGE. If he comes thrusting forward, don't just stand there, silly, keep those hips on a swivel.

5. CALL HIM BAD NAMES. Bring up his painful and traumatic childhood of his abusive father and floozy for a mother. This will make the grown man cry and bring him to his knees. He is now vulnerable for rape...dagger rape. [See: #6]

6. [MUST take place AFTER step 5] DO NOT CONSOLE him. He is broken down by the aftermath of a difficult upbringing, steal his dagger and GO FOR THE KILL.

7. DANIEL LaRUSSO injured-ankle crane kick; works every time.

8. PRETEND. Look over his shoulder and slowly [wide-eyed] gaze as if there were, standing ferociously tall behind him, a giant beast waiting to devour all living things that taste like human. He would then turn around [duped by such great role playing] deemed as a sucker; at that point run and text your friend about how clever you are.

9. DO NONE OF THESE THINGS and stick to what they taught you in Kenpo Karate.

10. VOMIT. Just vomit and see where that goes...people don't like vomit.


You're VERY Welcome.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Chatting With Heroes #1: Robin

ThatBoyW0nder (11:05:03 AM): Sup, foo!
Joleisheckadumb (11:05:04 AM): AUTO-RESPONSE: Countin’ my rocks at the end of the block. Holla at me if you need some nose candies!
Joleisheckadumb (11:05:10 AM): Sup, gay.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:00 AM): Dude, don't let Batz see your away message, he'll pop ya'.
Joleisheckadumb (11:06:02 AM): Chill out, man. It's a joke. Plus I only do drugs on weekends.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:07 AM): HA! What are you doin’ tonight?
Joleisheckadumb (11:06:10 AM): Dude, its not even noon yet and your asking me what I’m doing tonight? Why do you always do that?
Joleisheckadumb (11:06:19 AM): I might be going to a bar. Is Batman there? Tell him to give me a ride.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:06:28 AM): He’s in the shower. Why don’t you drive, you have a car.
Joleisheckadumb (11:07:00 AM): Because I’m planning to drink, son. Plus I’d look badass rolling in the BM, you crime-fighting d00sh.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:07:38 AM): Well, I’m trying to find something to do.
Joleisheckadumb (11:08:06 AM): Look for longer shorts! HAHAHA! LOL!
ThatBoyW0nder (11:08:42 AM): stfu asshole. I know! But Batz is like “I’m the only one who wears pants in this duo”. Like he doesn’t get enough praise from the city people.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:08:59 AM): And I had some longer ones, but it made me look like a cyclist.
Joleisheckadumb (11:09:06 AM): Well the one’s that you wear now make you look pre-pubescent. So, fix that.
Joleisheckadumb (11:09:11 AM): I’m not trying to be seen hanging out with you wearing those ass-hugging green shorts.
Joleisheckadumb (11:09:18 AM): I wouldn’t even want to be seen being saved by you wearing an outfit like that. People might get the wrong idea. HAHAHA!
ThatBoyW0nder (11:10:00 AM): Batz just got out of the shower. He said he’ll swoop you up around 10pm.
Joleisheckadumb (11:10:14 AM): Sweet. I’m gonna go make breakfast.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:10:22: AM): Cool. Is it cool if I come out tonight?
Joleisheckadumb (11:10:23 AM): As long as you don't dress like you're wrestling for Gay Rights, yeah. I mean, it would be fine if you were gay...
Joleisheckadumb (11:10:25 AM): But you're not, right?
ThatBoyW0nder has signed off
ThatBoyW0nder has signed on
ThatBoyW0nder (11:17:04 AM): I had to reset my computer. And NO I'm not gay.
Joleisheckadumb (11:17:05 AM): AUTO-RESPONSE: Makin' Brefuss because Robin likes men.
ThatBoyW0nder (11:17:08 AM): You're a dick.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Shy Ronnie.

Stumbled across this on Hulu last night. Pretty funny stuff. The video here is cut off, so click on it to be forwarded to the site.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Secret is Out.

I actually harness the quality of what so many vigilant folk yearn for. This odd and quite possibly visually [don't get ahead of yourself, Sanchez] frightening, if noticeable, quality that is seemingly useful and necessary to raise alertness in such moments as rape, surprise attacks, horror film-type situations, or even, checking out "hot" babes, or staring directly at the person inline behind you at the bank. Yes, folks...

I have eyes on the back of my head.

Except all it sees is hair. So... there's that.

[note to self: starting to understand why my parents deem me useless]

End of Side B

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Frosted Mini-Rant




What's your favorite cereal? Cool, moving on.

I like to think of myself as a Cereal Connoisseur [sometimes it's all I think about], not because I engage in midnight rendezvous with such nourishment. Not because I can speed read through literature and wacky puzzles on the back. Or because I might have the Lucky Charms marshmallows [before the red balloons] encompassing my belly button as a temporary tattoo at this very moment. Not even because I've collected all 4 micro-machines once [which, btw, I lost]. It is because I have so many choices when it comes down to it. So many favorites. One of those favorites being Frosted Mini-Wheats. So, if you're reading this and have never tasted Frosted Mini-Wheats, please refrain from going on any further because there are spoiler-alerts. So with that said...

*SPOILER ALERT*

They're NOT completely frosted. I know, you're welcome.

I wish they were. Maybe there is a shortage of frosty goodness. Who knows? I love the cereal, I do. It's a great source of Fiber. I just wish they weren't such liars over there at Kellogg's. If they called them Kellogg's Kinda Frosted Mini-Wheats, I would have thought twice before grabbing 3 family-sized boxes at Costco when I don't even have 3 families, let alone ONE. What am I supposed to do with all this Almost Frosted pseudo-goodness? Dowse it with milk until soggy, and make a Nipa Hut out of it? No, because that's exactly what they want you to do, because they're racist.

...Eh, I suppose it won't hurt.

End of Side A

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Nine Months Later

Its been nine months since my last blog. I wonder if anyone has noticed. Probably, since I'm well past my third trimester and showing. Go ahead, gently place your palm against the screen; feel it kicking like its anxious to explore the world we have yet to. I guess this is a reminder that I will give birth to future blogs. Blogs that will flourish and campaign towards my/your/our artistic endeavors and creative realms. Blogs that will nurture and nest you in it's intellectual bosom, in hopes of eternal inspirational refuge; typical blog stuff like knitting a scarf or digital arts and crafts. Observations through the eyes of ambitious midgets or the best way to eat pie from Hoff's Hut or how to stare at a human-pest long enough to kill it. Inspirational stuff like that.

So I welcome me back and look forward to writing words to all the internet itinerants.

Cheers mates.
JS

Monday, April 6, 2009

040609 Tokyo!


To put it simply, this film was ravishing.  An outstanding and unique omnibus perspective on the disparate and peculiar lives of those compressed in close quarters of overpopulated city, Tokyo.  Similar to the critically acclaimed ensemble directed Paris, je t'aime, this film was conceived through a manage a trois of visually stunning and imaginative story tellers/directors, Michel Gondry, Leos Carax, and Bong Joon-Ho; each projecting a plethora of memorable moments accompanied by stylized yet intriguing and creative cinematography, dare I say original. 

Each film had its own opening and closing credit sequence (shorter than usual) which I assumed was used to announce the lack of a linear plot or any sort of coherency. I am not sure there was any relevance between the three films despite there being a few similar themes, they stood self-composed and strayed from contradiction; in other words, they all worked very well as separate films, as well as side by side. I strongly advise you movie goers to see this inspirational film as I am positive you'll leave in desperate attempts to analyze what shapes you.